Sleepless thoughts

Here I am sitting on the couch next to the open window in my pajamas. It’s 6 am now. I didn’t sleep last night.

The sun’s coming out and the birds are singing. I can hear the occasional sound of vehicles passing by.

Not being able to sleep is not a new experience for me. It has been with me since I was a kid. I feel productive during the night. Sometimes I just tend to overthink. But I kinda like it. I like spending time with myself without distractions or noise.

I’d describe myself as a lonely person. Although I also think that these days we don’t need to label ourselves. People change. People are different from the situations given to them and who they are around.

In fact, I think everyone’s lonely at heart. Maybe people are just afraid of spending time with themselves or they are concerned about the thought of looking lonely to others. Even though I may be introverted at times, I like talking to people. When I say I like talking to people, I mean I like having real conversations. Not just talking with each other because of not wanting to be alone or kill time or avoid the awkwardness of silence or competing with each other indirectly to find out who’s smarter.

But the ones whom I can have real conversations with, real connections with seem rare these days.

The social network sites claim they connect people but they are in fact disconnecting people. People are often tempted to look at their phones. Apparently, the contents on their phone are more interesting than what I’m saying. So I’d rather spend time with myself than looking at people looking at their phones. I look at my phone, too. Sometimes I’m a bit addicted to those social network sites but I often remind myself to keep away from my phone. At least, I wouldn’t look at my phone when I’m talking to a person. I think that is disrespectful.

After spending a couple of months without socializing during the pandemic, I’ve decided to try becoming more open now that things are shifting to the new normal. Most of the people I talk to are younger than me and that is a bit disappointing in some way. I think I like talking to older people. They’re just so much wiser and kinder. Younger ones, all they want is to look cool or to get entertained.

Or maybe it doesn’t really have to do with age.

There are also the ones who want to do most of the talking. They wouldn’t listen to you. They just want to talk about their life, their ambition, and their problems. And you just end up listening to them. I do try paying attention when people are talking but not even allowing me to say a few points about their problems is just nerve-racking. And after they are done talking, they would ask you ‘How about you?’ and you just go like ‘Nothing, I’m fine. Same old’.

I think being able to have a real conversation with a person is art. It is a luxury. That is a connection. And that connection is undervalued.